


full blown love

by minshuas



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol mention., I don't think it is explicit or mature but let me know if you think I should change it., M/M, There's a heated scene.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 18:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9778961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minshuas/pseuds/minshuas
Summary: mingyu dreams about kissing joshua, but kissing joshua is so much better in reality than in his dreams.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is so... jfldkjlkdgs i apologize

i. state of dreaming

the sand gives way beneath his feet when he steps onto the beach. it reminds him of so much and nothing all at once. all of his memories seem to be unattainable. if he reaches out for them, then he can brush his fingers against them and catch glimpses of a bright sun, a tinkling laugh, arms outstretched, but he cannot grasp onto the memory to sustain it, relive it. each one of his memories slip away from him just as he recalls a sensation, an emotion, an action. for now, all he can remember is sand, water, sky, sun, wind, and that laughter; it’s echoing in his ears. it sounds beautiful and clear yet he can’t place it to a face.

there’s a figure on the beach. 

when he steps towards the figure, he expects for them to disappear, not turn towards him. the familiar tuft of peach hair lulls him closer towards the water. “joshua…? hyung?” mingyu’s voice sounds scared almost as he takes slow, careful steps towards the shoreline where joshua’s feet are rooted into the soft, wet sand. “where is everyone?” he asks when joshua’s actually in earshot. he turns to look over at the other side of the beach, towards the vans and houses. 

mingyu understands, but he still waits for the polite answer that slips from joshua’s lips. “i think they headed back already. is it okay if we stay here for a minute? i want to watch the sunset.” the way that he asks makes mingyu think that this moment is somehow incredibly important to him. joshua isn’t usually one to ask for favors from anyone, usually he’s the one who is fulfilling favors: waiting longer on jeonghan, listening to soonyoung, practicing english with seungkwan. mingyu feels special in this moment, even if he actually isn’t. it feels important to him that he gets to grant a favor that joshua has. 

instead of verbal agreement, mingyu pulls on the back of joshua’s shirt as he plops himself down into the sand, making sure not to seat himself in the wet sand. joshua follows after him easily, only somewhat stumbling. in the dimming sunlight, he thinks that joshua looks like he’s glowing which is silly and so stupid, and it makes his insides feel silly and so stupid.

his gaze lingers just a little too long on joshua’s profile and when he finally snaps out of it, joshua is giving him an unreadable look. mingyu usually can read people, it is what makes him so great at giving advice (or at the  _ very least _ , sensing when people needed advice). “what?” joshua asks, chuckling softly as he pulls a hand to his mouth. his body seems to curve in on itself protectively, as though mingyu’s open staring was making him self-conscious. still though, there is that smile on his face and laughter on his lips. 

absentmindedly, mingyu reaches out a hand and brushes aside joshua’s fringe with it. “you glow like an angel,” he says and it feels silly and wrong of him to say it, but the words come so easily to him. 

joshua seems to freeze for a second, even his smile wavers. “...do i?” his voice sounds nervous, as though he’s unsure if mingyu is playing a joke on him or not. when mingyu just nods in response, joshua unfreezes, swallowing hard. his hand falls away from guarding his face and his body relaxes. mingyu almost relaxes too before joshua speaks again, this time in between pearls of laughter. “i was thinking the same thing… about you. the sun lights you up in this  _ ethereal  _ way.” his skin is flushed now, all red and splotchy. mingyu wishes that he could cure his anxiety somehow. 

he gestures to the blemishes instead. “do i make you nervous?” it’s not meant to be a prodding question. 

joshua doesn’t take it as one. “a little,” he answers, shrugging. “i don’t know who wouldn’t be nervous around you.” 

“what do you mean?” mingyu’s curious now. he wonders if there is something about him that is not appealing to the others, if he comes on too strong or if he’s too clingy. he knows that people compare him to a canine, but plenty of people love dogs, so he doesn’t ever think of that comparison as negative, but joshua could turn that opinion on its head in an instance. 

a shrug. mingyu doesn’t know why joshua has so much impact on him. “i mean… you are impossibly  _ you _ , mingyu. you are gorgeous and kind and funny. there’s all these positives about you… all these perfections. it just makes me nervous knowing that i could be close to you in this moment. it makes me nervous knowing that you have such a kind heart and you can’t see what sits below the surface.” joshua’s bordering on rambling, which isn’t what he usually does. it’s a telltale sign on his anxiety. all of the members had their tells and mingyu tried to keep them sorted. even so, everything that he’s said sounds genuine and soft. 

it’s only natural that mingyu’s still confused. “...below the surface?” he asks, unsure if he wants to know the answer. 

joshua leans in a little closer, dropping his voice, then dropping his gaze. “i’m nervous because when we are alone like this, all i can think about is kissing you.” it’s a confession that shocks mingyu. it’s no secret to the other boys that mingyu is a little more flexible with his emotions and affections, even if he hasn’t put a label on himself yet, but the rest of boys are all mysteries. none of them said anything when mingyu asked if it was such a bad thing, wanting to kiss a boy. no one had agreed or disagreed with him and no one treated him any differently. 

but now joshua’s nose is ghosting over his own. he knows from memory that joshua’s skin is impossibly soft where his own is slightly more rugged, like the skin of his hands. the hands that are currently finding homes: one in mingyu’s own calloused hand, the other on the back of mingyu’s neck. at the touch, the sensation, mingyu inhales sharply. it makes joshua smile in response and mingyu cannot stop his heart from beating so violently against his ribs.

“then kiss me,” he says, voice braver than he really is. 

but joshua doesn’t waste another moment as he leans in, his lips capturing mingyu’s for eternity. the kiss is soft, careful. joshua kisses like the person he’s kissing is  _ very important  _ and  _ very fragile  _ all at once. each kiss he lays upon his lips is endless. they all melt into the next and there’s little more to the kiss than the sweet press of lips and joshua’s fingers threading through his hair, but it is more than enough for mingyu. it is perfect—

until his alarm goes off, blaring red velvet’s  _ dumb dumb _ , and that’s what he feels like as he pulls himself off his mattress, ignoring minghao’s imploring gaze when a groan slips out of the usually peppy mouth of his. he grabs his shower caddy and walks to the nearest bathroom, trying to rid himself of the dream that sits with him uncomfortably. 

“morning,” comes joshua’s sleep-addled voice. his hair is all a mess and mingyu has to restrain himself from trying to fix it. 

his face heats up before he can stop it. he knows that joshua’s gaze is only full of worry and confusion, but he can no longer meet his eye. “morning,” he croaks and decides that he doesn’t need to shower  _ or  _ brush his teeth just yet. 

ii. state of impossibility

the next time mingyu is stuck alone with joshua is after a show. all of them return home boneless and tired. too many of the members collapse immediately onto the living room floor, either falling asleep or debating whether or not they are awake enough to play video games. seungkwan sneaks away to his empty dorm room, without the other members to bother him, he can drift off to sleep peacefully. mingyu thinks it is a good idea and follows after him, but separates when they get to the dorm rooms. he crawls into his own bed that is finally the bottom bunk. it feels good for him to not have to climb into bed, instead he can just collapse onto his soft mattress and let sleep take him away. 

before sleep is granted to him though, he hears a familiar voice whispering his name. “mingyu…? hey mingyu?” it’s joshua, which in and of itself makes mingyu’s heart speed up until ideally the useless organ is just throwing itself against its confinements in his chest. mingyu sits up a little, still clad in his performance wear (which thankfully is not composed of any movement restricting clothing). he knows that in the morning his makeup will be smeared, but that’s the least of his worries, especially when all of his other worries have been pushed down considerably on his list since joshua has entered the room. “can i join you? seungkwan kept throwing pillows at me until i left.” his voice sounds so tired, so mingyu scoots over and pats a hand on his mattress in a way that he hopes is inviting. 

the mattress is almost too small for mingyu, so it is definitely too small for the two of them, but joshua just pushes a leg between mingyu’s legs and twines his other leg around the pile of legs. mingyu chuckles at the sensation. it makes his skin feel fuzzy and his stomach feel warm. he’s so tired though that he’s not nervous about anything happening. he can trust himself like this, especially because it’s not a big deal. joshua has done this with countless other members and mingyu has too. 

so, it is all okay, until it isn’t anymore because joshua’s considerably shorter than mingyu (who, to be fair, is a giant). he has to crane his neck up to look at mingyu comfortably from his position. mingyu was hoping to just trail off into dream world, but joshua seems to have something on his mind, so mingyu opens his eyes and switches his focus to joshua. “yeah?” he prompts, licking his chapped lips. joshua’s hands lay uselessly between the two of their bodies so that they only meet at their legs. 

“is it okay… if i get closer?” he asks sheepishly. his own eyes are heavy with sleep and they flutter closed, then back open again in the lull between his question and mingyu’s nod. when mingyu gives him the go-ahead, he moves in closer, hands coming to rest underneath mingyu’s neck and around his chest. it isn’t the most comfortable position for the two of them and now their bodies are touching in too many spots, but mingyu doesn’t want to talk in case his voice cracks. 

like this, joshua’s nose skims across mingyu’s cheek. suddenly, mingyu is too awake. he lets out a choked noise at the contact between joshua’s breaths on his neck that joshua catches onto. it causes the older boy to giggle into his skin which causes mingyu to squirm, biting back another helpless noise of anxiety. his skin feels so hot and his mind goes completely blank when joshua pulls away to look at him, laughing breathlessly into the space between their lips.

then there’s no space between them as mingyu is pressing forward, pressing his lips again joshua’s in such a fleeting kiss that he cannot be completely sure that it happened. when he pulls away, joshua looks bewildered, but he doesn’t pull himself from the bed, instead he asks mingyu if he wants to be cuddled. mingyu nods, turning his back towards joshua after they detangle their legs. the position is comfortable, but mingyu cannot shake the feeling that he’s done something  _ very  _ wrong. he doesn’t know how he can come back from it either. 

when he whispers an apology, joshua doesn’t respond.

iii. state of intoxication

it takes weeks before joshua and mingyu can engage in normal conversation again. joshua had recovered easily, but mingyu hadn’t been able to work through it. mostly, it was because he had enjoyed the fleeting press of their bodies, of their lips, and he wanted it to happen again. joshua either had erased the memory of it, or he had explained it away somehow, because it never came up again. mingyu didn’t avoid the topic, but he did avoid cuddling with joshua, holding hands with joshua, sitting next to joshua at shows or in cars, and the other members started to notice mingyu’s awkward behavior, often checking in with him to make sure that he was alright. 

he didn’t tell any of them. he couldn’t even tell wonwoo, who he knows would have listened with rapt attention, being the great friend he is. every time he thought about telling anyone, he couldn’t work up the courage to, especially when he didn’t know if it was just a one time thing (well, a one time thing and a one time in a dream thing) which he wouldn’t want to make a big deal out of it if it was nothing. 

it isn’t until after his birthday, when he’s finally allowed to drink and seungcheol brings soju and beer home  _ so long as EVERYONE promises not to sneak drinks _ . seungcheol takes care of everyone, especially the older members who drink because he knows how much liquor they can hold. there are some who abstain (primarily jihoon, joshua, and minghao) and there are some who only have a drink (primarily soonyoung, wonwoo, and seungkwan), and then there is the extra group of people go too hard, too fast and seungcheol has to take away their privileges (primarily mingyu and hansol). 

“joshua!” seungcheol calls out holding onto mingyu’s shoulder and hansol’s wrist. hansol pulls at him half-heartedly. “take mingyu back to his room. i think he needs to just go to bed. the time for celebration has passed him.” 

hansol slaps a hand to seungcheol’s cheek. “you are  _ such  _ a good dad.” he says which makes mingyu laugh. both of them turn out to be clingy, obnoxious drunks. hansol keeps complimenting everyone poorly and mingyu keeps apologizing to everyone, then trying to crack jokes. when hansol and him finally matched paces, seungcheol realized that they were too far gone for this gathering, especially with nearly everyone being mostly sober. 

joshua heads over to seungcheol and takes mingyu’s hand in his own. the contact makes mingyu’s stomach warmer than the alcohol had. “am i going to bed?” mingyu asks, trying to recall what the previous conversation was about. 

“yes,” joshua replies, squeezing his hand. “you had too much to drink.” 

“yeah,” he replies, sounding sad. “i thought that i didn’t have enough until seungcheol yelled at me.” 

in response joshua turns around in the hallway, shaking his head. “alcohol is for recreation, but not for hurting yourself, mingyu. you have to pace yourself.” they are near the bathroom now and joshua leads him there. “do you have to use the bathroom?” mingyu shakes his head. “okay, i’m going to get you a glass of water, so you can sober up.” 

after joshua has retrieved a paper cup and filled it, he turns around to find mingyu sitting on the floor, looking a lot sober than he had just appeared. “i didn’t want to drink that much…” he says. “i shouldn’t have done that.” there’s a split second where joshua is solely trying to figure out if mingyu is saying this because he’s going to throw up, but instead, mingyu just looks up at joshua with pleading eyes, so joshua passes him the paper cup and mingyu downs it in one gulp. 

“thank you.” he croaks. 

joshua smiles at him. “don’t mention it. i’ll get you another one to put by your bed. let’s get you in there.” it takes him a couple minutes to successfully carry mingyu and a cup of water into mingyu’s dorm room, but he manages it and tucks mingyu in, placing his water by his beside, pulling out a couple of pills from his hands too, even though mingyu doesn’t recall him ever picking them up. “there you go. do you need anything else?” he asks, standing there empty-handed now. mingyu shakes his head, already feeling somewhat tired, but the whole room is spinning also. it is like he’s in a funhouse, but he no longer wants to have fun.

when joshua starts to leave, turning off the light beforehand, mingyu catches his arm. “wait.” he pulls joshua down until their faces are too close. in his alcohol clouded mind, he can’t tell if he’s imagining it or not, but joshua looks flustered, almost like he’s going to pull away from him, but he doesn’t. mingyu leans in close and kisses joshua. this kiss is better than their last one, but it is sloppy. it reminds joshua of an overexcited puppy. both of their lips are slick with spit when mingyu pulls away and mingyu so enraptured at the sight of joshua’s glistening lips that he almost misses it when joshua chases after his lips in a way that seems full of desperation and anxiety. mingyu sobers up considerably in the moment when he realizes that joshua’s kissing  _ him _ , but before he can even properly kiss him back, he’s pulling away. 

“i can’t, mingyu,” he says. “you aren’t sober.” 

both of their chests are heaving. mingyu would do  _ anything  _ to be sober right now. “i’m sorry,” both of them say at the same time. and then mingyu’s left to watch joshua exit the room, rejoining the celebration that hansol and him were uninvited to. 

iv, state of apology

the next morning comes as a shock to mingyu’s system. 

he’s never drank that much before, so he doesn’t know what to expect. he’s had mild hangovers, he supposes, but the way his head is pounding makes him worried that he’s got something seriously wrong with him. also, his stomach feels strangely hollow. none of this is familiar to him, but joshua’s face at the side of his bed  _ is _ . he sits up too quickly, grasping at the sides of his head in response and joshua reacts too quickly. he passes along the water and pills he had laid out the previous night. “the others went out for breakfast. i told them that i’d hang back to take care of you since i was in care of you last night.” joshua answers mingyu’s unasked question. 

mingyu takes the water, sipping at it delicately, then he throws back the pills and downs the rest of the contents of the cup. “thanks,” mingyu smiles at joshua who returns it warmly. all of the awkwardness of the last night and the previous weeks seems to melt away from them, at least for now. it makes mingyu extremely happy, but every expression comes with a flit of pain. “never again,” he tells joshua like it is a promise (which it may be). “i feel like… the worst i’ve ever felt…  _ ever _ .” 

joshua offers him a chuckle in response to his overexaggeration that may or may not be true. “it’s okay. it’ll pass quick enough. if you want, i can draw a shower or a bath for you. i bet that’ll help.” he’s so patient and kind that, in mingyu’s hungover, vulnerable state, he cannot help but to think he might be at least a little in love with joshua. 

“sure,” mingyu agrees to it, because disagreeing doesn’t seem to ever get him anywhere. joshua knows what is best, especially since he took such great care of him last night (or at least, from what he could remember. and when he starts to remember, he  _ really  _ starts to remember). joshua is just about to turn away when mingyu grasps at him again, familiarly. it is just like last night, but both of them are caught in this state of suspension between what had happened and what might happen now. 

before joshua can move, mingyu leans in to press his lips against his. it’s chaste and innocent unlike the other kisses they’ve shared. “hey, i’m sorry.” the apology is delivered softly with mingyu’s clammy forehead resting against joshua’s. “i don’t want you to have to deal with me when i’m like that… not ever again.” joshua starts to bite down on his bottom lip, but then thinks better of it and releases it to move back in and press a kiss to the top of mingyu’s head. 

he draws the shower without saying another word. 

v. state of anxiety

“mingyu, they want you change into this,” joshua calls over the sea of voices. mingyu is currently pulling on his jacket and everything on the hanger that joshua is holding requires him changing out of everything he’s just put on. with a sigh, he heads back towards joshua and the changing rooms. the coat he was going to wear currently contains only one of his arms and he looks a little lost as he approaches joshua without properly wearing it. joshua has to stifle a laugh as he pushes the clothes against mingyu’s chest, pushing him into the dressing room, locking the door behind them. 

the look on mingyu’s face is priceless as he tilts his head to the side innocently. “huh?” joshua hangs up the hanger on a stray hook and then presses close to mingyu in the tight space. suddenly, he seems erratic. the boy before him does not look like the pristinely put together boy that he knows so well, that he somewhat grew up with. “should i be changing into that?” he asks, reaching behind joshua to point at the clothes. 

“no,” joshua inhales sharply. it makes mingyu’s ears ring. he can hear the murmuring of all the other members just outside the dressing room. “it was the only thing i could think of.” he admits. “i can’t stop thinking about it.” another admittance, but this one comes with confusion from mingyu. joshua can read it on his face, so he continues, flushing immediately at his own words. “the kiss… well, the  _ kisses _ …” he exhales shakily. 

it is only then that mingyu registers what is going on. he gulps, taking in too much air and swallowing too much saliva all at the same time. he chokes back a cough because he’s sure that isn’t going to assist him in this tight space. “can we…? the others are just right outside…” mingyu is nervous now. he’s unsure if this is the right time to explore whatever they have going on. he doesn’t want to stop joshua though, so when he leans forward on his tiptoes, mingyu just bends to meet him. 

against his lips, joshua murmurs, “they can wait.” 

their lips meet in trepidation now. their friends could find out what is blossoming between them, especially if they were to catch them only moments after emerging from the dressing room. mingyu tries to be as careful as joshua when they kiss. both of them take it slow, even though there should be nothing but desperation and anxiety in this enclosed space. joshua accidentally knocks teeth with mingyu because the angle is weird. he apologizes into mingyu’s mouth and then licks into it carefully to make reparations. the whole sensation is foreign to mingyu, but it feels so light and makes his knees weak, especially when his own tongue lifts to meet joshua’s hesitantly. a small noise slips free from mingyu, it’s unsure, but happy. 

joshua laughs into his open mouth before pulling away. 

the both of them are flustered, flushed, but they cannot stop looking at each other. mingyu’s heart swells in his chest as he watches joshua try to hide his smile by ducking his head. it makes mingyu feel incredibly delicate and soft to know that he caused that smile to appear on his face at all.

right before he leaves the dressing room, joshua plants a kiss onto the back of his hand. “talk later?” he asks, sounding somewhat hopeful (or maybe that is mingyu’s imagination). 

he nods dumbly in response, watching as joshua exits, complexion still somewhat red even with the layer of makeup.  

vi. state of jealousy

things turn stagnant for awhile, but it isn’t their fault. all of the units have to do their own things, work on their own projects for awhile. mingyu understands, but it is still frustrating, especially when they are all worked so hard by themselves because of all the expectations that by the time they are all together, all anyone wants to do is sleep. 

soonyoung is the one who offers up a movie night. it gives people the chance to rest if they want and to socialize if they want. all of them were so swept up by their own obligations and responsibilities that many of them hadn’t even spoken with each other (except for asking if they were done in the bathroom or if they wanted anything from the kitchen). everyone agreed that since all of the unit projects were coming to an end, it was the perfect time for a movie night. 

mingyu only regrets it when he notices joshua settle in next to jeonghan, seungcheol, and wonwoo. something hot rushes through mingyu veins and minghao notices how his hands turn into fists, but he doesn’t say anything. he just puts a hand on the middle of mingyu’s back that is supposed to pacify him in some way. it doesn’t really work, but the touch is comforting. it distracts his full attention from joshua’s head on seungcheol’s shoulder or from joshua’s fingers twined with jeonghan’s. even so, he still notices and for the whole two hours of movie night, mingyu feels unsettled and angry. 

most of the boys had planned to fall asleep in the living, dragging out mattresses, pillows, and blankets and piling them on the floor. there were a few who had snuck out to take a walk, go to sleep in their own bed alone, or rummage through the kitchen, but most of the boys were stuck between bodies, scared that if they moved, then they would jostle everyone near them. mingyu’s thankful to be on the couch with the only people by him being minghao and junhui. he’s able to easily step over junhui and minghao’s not quite asleep yet beside him. “night, minghao-yah.” he says warmly, ruffling his hair. 

it isn’t until he’s standing up that he realizes that joshua’s gone. 

the fire inside of his gut still hasn’t been quelled, so he decides to march into joshua’s dorm room, pushing the door aside as though it has committed a personal crime against him. joshua’s freshly changed into his pyjamas, hair tousled. it’s brown again now and looks a little more thicker than the peach that he had dreamed about awhile ago. when he sees joshua there, looking sleepy and  _ very  _ happy to see him, he almost forgets about just moments ago when he was cuddling up against jeonghan or seungcheol or maybe even wonwoo for all mingyu knew. 

(and mingyu knew. his gaze couldn’t stop drifting to joshua throughout the movie. it was his too loud laughter, his buoyant personality, his obnoxious retelling of parts of the movie that had just passed. all of it enraptured him. mingyu had smiled, had laughed, had commented on what he was saying, but yet… he couldn’t shake that feeling, no matter how normal everything turned out to be.)

there’s no angry words, no angry fists. mingyu does not push joshua down onto his bed or up against the wall like he wants to, instead he ducks down to press kisses against joshua’s neck until joshua is the one grasping at  _ him _ . his breath is coming out hot against joshua’s skin and with each kiss, mingyu is rewarded with a chuckle or a gasp or a sharp inhale, so he presses more and more along his skin. he takes great care to not mark him up. each kiss is open-mouthed and needy, but fleeting. mingyu nips just behind his ear when he works his way up there and joshua whines audibly, moving away from mingyu to look at him. 

instead of letting him get a word in, mingyu swallows his words with his open mouth. he kisses joshua until both of their lips are red and bruised and painfully sensitive, and even then, he still presses kisses against his mouth: hungry, needy, desperate. joshua pulls him down onto his bed and hooks his arms around his neck as they kiss each other sloppily with no finesse. what they usually are together is lacking. the heat from mingyu’s blood is pouring out into the kisses until both of them are breathing so hard that they aren’t even kissing any longer, just breathing heavily into each other’s mouths. joshua drops down to mouth at mingyu’s neck a lot more gently, coming down from whatever heated high they had been on. 

joshua asks mingyu to stay with him for the night. he agrees. 

mingyu asks joshua to stay with him only, to kiss him only. he agrees. 

vii. state of comfort

even though he agrees, joshua does not deal with it properly. he hasn’t been questioning this lifestyle like mingyu has been. he’s religious, impossibly american and korean all at the same time. he  _ knows  _ that in america that it is more accepted, but he also knows that not every religious family accepts it as a truth of the universe. most consider it an abnormality. he doesn’t know how his parents would respond if he told them. he doesn’t know how he would respond if he informed himself that he might possibly be entertaining the reality of him  _ possibly  _ being gay. all of his identity intersects and splits him up into pieces, dissecting him and most of the pieces tell him that no one would accept him if this were the reality. 

which immediately makes him want to pull away from mingyu. 

he’s in the bathroom of the dorm, a foolish choice in placement, especially for an emotional breakdown. luckily, most of the others have already left to visit their families. joshua didn’t plan to leave for another day due to the flight schedule. he had been sure about visiting home until yesterday morning when mingyu had asked him if he should talk to his parents about it when he visited, and the answer that joshua had given came easy.  _ yeah, just let them know. test the waters if you want to take it slow. don’t be scared of your parents and if they can’t accept you, then you have a family here too _ . the words might not have won mingyu over themselves, but he knew that mingyu had been thinking it over for awhile. so when he finally agreed, he seemed resolute. he knew he was going to go home and tell his parents. 

joshua didn’t have to talk to his parents about it, but lying to them about it makes his skin crawl. he doesn’t want to look them in the eye and just spout lies about his personal life. he already did that when talking about how training was successful and that he was nailing the new choreography and going to bed on time. all of it was lies. his life wasn’t bad, but he had hard times and he wasn’t willing to share all of them with his parents, but he knows that he should, especially now that he is an adult. 

someone knocks on the door to the bathroom and it reminds him of how long he’s been in here. he knows who to expect on the other side of the door and when his voice floats in through the cracks of the door, it sounds worried. “are you okay?” mingyu asks, hand going to grasp the doorknob. joshua sniffs, pulling his knees up to his chest. 

as much as he wants mingyu in here with him, he also wants to be far away from mingyu. he doesn’t blame him for any of this, but he doesn’t want to weigh his shoulders down with it. it’s not something that mingyu should have to shoulder for him. so when he comes in, joshua immediately sets to wiping furiously at his eyes to chase away his tears. “i’m fine…” he says pathetically, leaning away from mingyu. “just nervous about going home.” he’s going against his faith by being with mingyu, he thinks, but he’s not sure. it’s all so jumbled and mixed. he knows that it isn’t bad, but he also knows that family friends would always comment on it being wrong. he doesn’t think it is wrong, but he can’t tell if he’s turning his back on his faith or on a failure in human notion. 

another sob bubbles up and he starts crying once again, burying his face in his knees. mingyu closes the door behind him and pulls joshua into his arms. he feels small and frail like this even though mingyu knows he isn’t. “hey, it’s okay,” mingyu shushes him gently, rubbing slow circles against his back. “your parents are going to be so happy to see you again. if you decide to talk to them, then they will hear you out and if they deny you, then you have a home still. you aren’t alone. the boys will accept you here. they accepted me. they can accept us. but there’s no telling in how your parents will react. you don’t have to talk about me. you don’t have to tell them at all. it’s all your choice and  _ no one  _ is going to judge you.” 

he sounds so much more sure than joshua had giving him advice. joshua definitely knows that mingyu’s spent a long time thinking about this for himself. it makes him feel a little better, because then at least, maybe he can set it off to the side for a little while longer until he knew what to say and how he’d like to say it. for now, he could just test the waters to see what his parents’ views on homosexuality are. he could start small. “i know,” joshua still can’t stop crying though and he is using mingu’s shirt as a tissue for his eyes, but mingyu hardly cares. 

“you are strong, joshua.” mingyu reassures him. “you can do anything.”

teary-eyed, joshua looks up at mingyu and his heart swells with love. mingyu presses a kiss against his forehead in a way that is sickeningly sweet and joshua knows that there’s nothing wrong with this, with how they are. mingyu kisses away his tears and pushes back his hair and joshua knows that this is one of the best things that’s ever happened to him. mingyu doesn’t leave his side, instead he takes care of him: hands gentle and deft as they make him lunch and serve it to him in bed as they watch some drama that’s replaying. 

viii. state of separation

joshua’s flight comes in the middle of the day. mingyu is able to work that out from the various text messages that he’s exchanged with joshua, but other than that, he has no idea. plus no one will drive him up to the airport, but when he asks, something clicks for a few of the members, especially jihoon and wonwoo. neither of them say anything overtly, not until they can confirm that what they are thinking is the truth of the matter. jihoon thinks that joshua and mingyu have some sort of relationship, meanwhile wonwoo is sure that mingyu is in love with joshua. neither of them are particularly wrong, but mingyu doesn’t even notice the gears in their minds turning, instead he just walks dejectedly back into his room. 

it ends up being staff that goes to retrieve him, even though almost everyone else knows how to drive too. so, when he walks in, no one is really expecting it, but they know it could happen anytime. when it does happen, mingyu is thankfully still in his room, so he doesn’t run out and into his arms. if he had, then the staff would have been there to witness it and when he had told the boys about his feelings towards boys, they all collectively agreed to keep it a secret from the staff members. 

everyone who is already there greets joshua amicably, then allows for him to go put his stuff up in his room. 

he places his suitcase in the hallway and bounds into mingyu’s dorm room, running into his arms when he standsto greet him. he laughs breathlessly, falling into mingyu’s embrace. “i missed you so much.” he grips onto him tightly, unable to stop himself from soaking in this moment. “i missed you too much, mingyu.” 

mingyu only separates from him to press sloppy kisses to his face, wherever he can reach. “i missed you too. i missed you so much. i’m so happy to have you home.” he presses their lips together, then again. he would cry with relief it it wouldn’t be so cheesy, so he settles with hugging joshua close to him, thankful to have him back home with him. 

ix. state of desire

by now, they’ve told all of the other boys about their state of affairs, so when all of them go out to get dinner after an exhausting show, they know that they don’t have to interfere with whatever joshua and mingyu might be getting up to in one of their dorm rooms. plus there’s no one who particularly wants to risk it by walking in on them. whenever they ask for privacy and it can be granted, they figure that when they no longer want privacy, they will let the other boys know. 

most of the time, they spend their time watching shows, sleeping, and joshua serenades him with his guitar and his beautiful voice (that has the power to knock mingyu off his feet). the privacy they ask for isn’t for anything other than just being with each other, soaking up the experience of being two people in love. when the other boys end up leaving mingyu and joshua to fend for dinner themselves, the two of them were just curled up on mingyu’s bed, listening to the clamor of the other members from behind their closed door. they stay with twined fingers and legs until they hear the front door close, meaning that all of the boys have probably left together. 

joshua doesn’t feel as disappointed as he once would have felt. he settles for rolling over to face mingyu. “c’mere,” he says, hand curling around mingyu’s neck as he falls onto his back, pulling mingyu atop him. mingyu slings his leg over joshua until he’s comfortably hovering over joshua’s lithe body. his mouth falls onto joshua’s and he kisses him so tenderly and carefully that joshua’s toes actually  _ curl _ in pleasure. a small whine fills the silence between them as mingyu pulls back. joshua chases after him, lifting his head off the bed to do so. both of their chests are already heaving from the effort they are expending. each movement is so delicate and calculated that there is room for nothing else but getting lost in each other. 

“i love you,” mingyu says, eyelids fluttering. 

joshua thinks he looks beautiful. the hand that is curled around the back of his neck drifts until he is cradling mingyu’s face. it’s the first time that mingyu has said those words to him, but he seemingly ignores them for a moment as he leans back in to press a kiss against mingyu’s lips. it doesn’t last long, but before he pulls away, he nips at mingyu’s bottom lip and pulls. then he releases him and his head meets the bed once again. “i love you, mingyu.” he’s even more breathless now, barely breathing out the syllables. “how could anyone not love you?” 

the question is rhetorical and mingyu just shrugs, leaning back down to pepper kisses across his small jaw, down to his neck. they are all feather-light and soft. joshua squirms underneath him, feeling strangely heated when mingyu sucks at the skin behind his ear, then traces the shape of his ear with his tongue. it makes him feel restless and antsy, so he loses his composure for a short second as he flips their positions. 

it’s a lot easier than he thinks it will be. joshua sticks a leg in between mingyu’s and mingyu rolls easily onto his back from there. he lets joshua’s warm hands bravely travel underneath his shirt, feeling the short hairs of his stomach, working up to glide past his nipples. mingyu gasps, apparently sensitive and ticklish all at once. his hips lift from the mattress only a centimeter as he squirms, but his crotch meets with joshua’s knee and both of their heads spin uncomfortably at the friction. joshua doesn’t know what they are doing, what’s really happening. he pushes his knee up slightly to gauge mingyu’s response and  _ it’s beautiful _ . he keens, moving against it again, carefully, slowly. joshua’s mouth is dry as he watches mingyu, his hands still running along mingyu’s heated skin. they dip no further than his hips and go no higher than his collarbones, but joshua makes sure to feel as much of him as he can reach. 

mingyu inhales sharply, insistently pushing back against joshua’s knee. 

joshua doesn’t know what to think about the whole situation, but when he feels the hardness against his knee, it all becomes too real for him. he asks mingyu to trade him again and suddenly he’s below mingyu once more. his head is spinning like he’s been on an amusement park ride and he honestly feels like he might get sick if this keeps on going much longer, but he doesn’t want it to stop either. joshua unconsciously props a knee up between their bodies while mingyu lets his hands roam over joshua’s much smaller frame. he feels self-conscious almost, but mingyu’s calloused touch is so nice and gentle that he melts underneath it. 

suddenly he’s aware of the knee in between his legs and when he moves against it, his face heats up so much that he’s sure he’s going to faint, even as his hands go to grasp at mingyu’s waist to anchor him there so he can build some type of rhythm. no longer is he breathing regularly. instead he is on the border of hyperventilating as time seems to have slowed considerably. mingyu’s mouth meets joshua’s again and they gasp against each other’s lips. 

then all at once, joshua is pulling away. “i can’t— i can’t— but i want to— but not now, not right now.” 

mingyu nods, he understands. joshua, flushed and embarrassed, rushes off to the bathroom, and mingyu really does get how joshua wants to do things. there’s no commitment yet, so they can’t jump this far. they had only just now exchanged  _ i love you _ s with one another. he had a commitment to his religion and himself, and mingyu wasn’t going to step between it if it wasn’t hurting him. 

understanding was the key, as always. 

x. state of happiness

soaked to the bone, joshua shivers violently, standing on the shoreline with his feet buried in the sand. soonyoung and chan are still in the water, splashing around, ducking each other and joshua watches them. wonwoo is nearby too, building a sandcastle. others are chasing each other, kicking up sand, or enjoying dinner far away from the sand-kickers. mingyu still can’t believe how alike his dream this is, even though he knew that in the dream, it had been based off of  _ healing _ . this was not based off anything. this was reality and joshua was standing at the shoreline, feet buried in the sand, sun haloing him, and water lapping at his feet. 

mingyu can’t stop himself from taking him up into his arms and spinning him around. 

both of them had promised to keep shows of affection to a minimum around their friends, but this was  _ magical _ . joshua laughs when he’s spun, head still spinning when he’s set down. he laughs openly and freely, tipping his head back. “what was that for?” he asks, catching the glistening of mingyu’s eyes. 

“i love you,” he says, first, then, “you look like an angel.” that draws another laugh out of him, but it seems shier. “like… the way the sun is… and you.” he gestures vaguely in joshua’s direction. he’s not as eloquent as his dream, but the view is uncanny. joshua  _ is  _ shimmering and mingyu has never wanted to kiss him as much as he does right now. he laughs, feeling completely silly. “hey, i had a dream like this… before we ever kissed.” he informs joshua with a kiss on the nose and another laugh. 

pearls of laughter spring from joshua as he presses close to mingyu. “oh? what happened in that dream then?” it sounds like he already knows, the smile on his face gives him away and mingyu’s smile gives him away too. mingyu’s glowing too, but joshua doesn’t comment on it, instead he just soaks in the view, how the light is landing on him currently. 

“you asked to kiss me, i think,” mingyu answers, pressing their foreheads together. 

joshua laughs, “well, then kiss me now.” 

and mingyu does, pressing his lips against joshua’s, but he can’t stop smiling, which makes joshua unable to stop smiling. laughter interrupts their kisses, but they still keep coming back to meet. then, cold water rushing over their heads interrupts them and mingyu looks bewildered for a moment before he’s chasing after soonyoung and chan, leaving a soaked joshua on the beach to baste in the afterglow of this love, of this happiness. 

and it’s everything they could have wanted. 

and it is way better than just a dream.   
  



End file.
